Past It

"You honestly want to know?"
"Yes damn it? Yes."
"Fine." I took a deep breath and glared at him. "I hate you. I want you out of my life, so I can begin the process of forgetting that you were ever part of it."
I stared at him, watching while his face fell. He lowered his eyes, and looked at the floor. "Why?"
"Why?" I said through my teeth.
"Yes. Why?" He whispered.
"Because what you did to me is so beyond the realms of unforgivable that I... I just can't see past it." I sat down in the arm chair, and put my head in my hands. "Just go." I whispered. "Please... just go."
He stood for a moment before I heard his feet moving on the floor. The door creaked as it opened, and clicked quietly shut.
I looked up. He was gone. Somehow I wasn't relieved that he left, that the fight was over. I had hoped, deep down inside of me, that he would have fought more to keep me. It was irrational, I knew that, but there it was none the less. I tried to stand up, but just couldn't. I didn't have enough energy for even that. I brought my legs to my chest, wrapped my arms around my knees, and cried myself to sleep.

Intimacy

I leaned back against the head rest, and stared out at the darkness on my way home. Memories rolled around in my mind like a happy kitten nuzzling my leg. Skin like silk, the feeling of muscle under my hands, the smell of warm bodies, the sounds of flesh on flesh. Flashes of unforgettable moments brought a satisfied smile to my face.
Intimacy, in it's finest form is more than just a way to show someone how you feel. It's sharing a part of who you are with another soul.

Early

It's so early in the game, and I've already lost the drive to do it. I sighed. I'm tired of this back and forth. I wish I could just make up my mind. I know what I want to do. I just need to work up the courage... Some day I'll get that tattoo...

House

You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to know. You have to tell him. You can't ignore these feelings. Hiding how you feel will accomplish nothing.
Sighing, I get up out of my chair. I've been staring at my husband, on his computer for a hour now, trying to work up the courage to speak to him. I walk over to him, and place my hands on either side of his face. Looking him directly in the eyes I say... "Clean the house."

Burn

Focus
How am I supposed to focus with all this... 
FOCUS.
Alright alright.
Breathe. In and out.
I take a deep breath in, and let it out. Looking at the palm of my hand I think of flame, and heat. I feel my hand warming up, as though I'm standing with my hands over a fire.
That's a good image. Hold on to that.
I smile at the voice of my tutor in my head. Slowly I move my hands around each other until I have what feel like a sphere of pure heat. Together I bring my hands to my hip, and close my eyes.
Breathe. Focus.
The heat in my hands in almost unbearable, but I wait. I have to wait. I feel as though my fingerprints are about to melt off. Abruptly I open my eyes, and thrust the sphere forward at the waiting dummy fifty feet away. It erupts in a burst of flames I didn't know I was capable of.
I let out a breath and looked down. My hands were whole, and unburned.
I passed the test.

Who am I?

I don't know who I am. No really.
I was born a Brower, so I began life as a daughter. I married into the Swingley Family, and became a wife. I now have a daughter, adding mother to my repertoire, but none of these things are who I am. They're all roles I play. So who am I? I guess it's time to find out.

Confession

I have a confession to make... I'm eating dutch butter cookies, and dipping them in chocolate cake icing... 

I fought all day to not buy sweets, which, since I work at a convenience store, is harder than you might think.

I got home, and trudged through the door. It was midnight at this point so went straight for the fridge. Lo and behold but what did I see? An opened container of chocolate icing tempting me. Suddenly the thought occurred to me, that I had an opened tin of butter cookies that I was gifted for Christmas, and an idea was born! I grabbed the icing, grabbed the cookies, and am now in bed with both.
Yes, while you are reading this post, I have already gone to bed, full of chocolate and dutch cookie goodness.

You know you want some.

Pout

I still have Christmas stuff up. Yes. I said it. Christmas stuff. Don't judge me. I like it. I love still seeing the blue and white stockings, the ornaments that we hung on the wall since we didn't have a tree. I know I should take them down... I don't wanna... alright... alright... I'll do it tomorrow... *pout*

Twice

I've started this thing twice already, and haven't liked anything that I've put down. I'm trying hard to not think and just write. It's harder than the drawing project I did. I find that with the drawing I could just start with a circle, and all of sudden POOF! There'd be a person there, like magic, and if I was lucky, or inspired enough, or the magic was strong enough... I'd put out something great. This is harder, I have to tell you what I think I'm seeing... I guess what doesn't kill me... right?

Lighter

Hands on the wall. Water running down my back. Don't think. Don't think. Focus on the water. It's hot. Really hot. I can feel my skin turning pink. I let the water wash away everything. All the anxiety, the stress, the anger, the bullshit, washing away. I can visualize it, like a filthy blackness swirling down the drain. Gone. Gone.

I feel lighter.

Goals

I started a project365 a year ago today, and I finished it. I never thought that I would, and some of my family even voiced doubts at the beginning, but I DID IT! I'm so proud of myself, I can't ever remember setting a goal so far away, and actually reaching it. There's a sense of accomplishment, and pride deep in the pit of my stomach, that I hope stays for a long while. If you were following me through it all, Thank you. Thank you so much for your support, and encouragement. I hope this new project goes just as well.

Sisters

I have one older, and one younger sister.
My mother told me once, not to worry that I didn't get along with my sisters. That when she was young, her and her sisters fought like cats, and dogs. That when we grew older we would be best of friends, just like she was with hers. I didn't believe her then, and I was certain that no amount of time would change how I felt about the situation.
Years have passed since then. Each of us have decided to share our lives with someone special. All of us brought new lives into the world, and rejoiced in the wonder that is motherhood. In this time, I've developed that friendship that comes with time, and common ground, but most of all... more than anything...

... I know they'll always put up with my shit... because, hey, we're sisters.

Fight

I never wanted to fight. I never really had anything I thought really needed the difference that one me would make. The negative possibilities behind the SOPA, and PIPA bills are endless, and insanely disturbing. Don't let this one slide. Sign the petition. Call your state Senator. Don't let the internet die.
Wikipedia shut down for the day to protest this... What will you do?

Stonger

Do you really want to do this? Are you already giving up? Don't do this! You're stronger than you think! Just put it down, and walk away. There are people who care about you, and your well being. Your husband... what would he think...?
I sighed, turned on my heal, and walked out of the isle.
I didn't really want the doughnuts anyway...

Relax

Breath in... Breathe out...
Relax.
Clear your mind. Empty the space.
It's a white room. No windows. No doors. Empty.
Relax.
Picture a meadow... a meadow..? How is that going to... *sigh*
Relax.
Breathe in... Breathe out...

Blank

I'm blank. Empty. Nothingness is all that's here.
I can't think of a damned thing to write, so my husband tells me to stop thinking about it, and just write. "Like those writing exercises." he says "ya know? The ones that tell you to write for a minute straight, with out stopping. No thinking, no pausing, no correcting, just write... humph.
What does he know...? Like I'm just gonna be able to write a page about nothing...
Oh...

Listen

I lean back against the wall, arms crossed against my chest, as a low, soft voice speaks with a slow, steady cadence. I smile as I listen to my husband read our daughter her bedtime story. He doesn't know I'm listening, but I can't help eavesdropping. There is so much love in his voice, you can hear him tell her how much he loves her with every line, every turn of a page. He kisses her on the cheek, and tucks her in.
I wait.
He walks out of her room, and shuts the door behind him, looking up, he sees me, and blushes.
"Were you listening?"
"Maybe..." I grin at him. "Will you read me a story?"

Mud

Two people, inches away from touching, they lean in, breathing heavy, who will make the first move...? The kiss, the touch. The moonlight streams through the window. The curtains softly waft in the wind. Slowly the camera pans away. It's not real. TV never portrays the reality of truly passionate sex. It's a sticky, sweaty, dirty mess. A wonderful mess.
I always did like splashing in the mud...

Breathe

I got out of bed, and sat on the living room couch. I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to wake her up. I turned the TV on, and flipped though the channels. Nothing caught my interest so I turned it off, and walked back into the bedroom.
I stopped.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't move.
She was so lovely simply laying there asleep, I just stood, and stared at her.
The black cotton sheets scrunched underneath her stomach, leaving her back bare to the open air. I took a deep breath and held it as I moved towards the bed.
The floor creaked loudly and she turned to face me.
She rubbed her eyes and sat up to look at me. "Can't sleep baby?"
"I'm alright."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." I crawled back into bed, and laid my arm over her stomach, pulling her into me.
She turned in my arms and kissed me. One. Two. Three times in quick succession.
"I love you baby. Goodnight." she whispered against my lips before turning away again.
"I love you too." I kissed the back of her head, and only then did sleep and the dreams that I knew would come claim me.

Exercise

Don't stop... you can do it... keep going... one more.. one more... one more... muscle failure. *sigh* I can do this. Okay what's next? Bicep curls? Check. Bridge exercise to muscle failure. Check. Oh man that hurts my butt...

Yes I said the workout hurt my butt muscles, try not to laugh. Seriously though, this exercise is not as easy as you would think after 20 or so reps. Squats are hard for me too, always have been, but I'm feeling them more than I think I used too. That might have something to do with the lack of exercise at all, then again it might have something to do with the way I eat.

No more bags of Reeses Pieces for me, or doughnuts, or gummy orange slices... all of which they sell at the convenience store I work at... I'm screwed.

Cuttlefish

Today's blurb is inspired by my friend Zac.

Have you ever seen a cuttlefish? I did once. I lived In Honolulu, Hawaii for about a year, and while I was there I got to go to Hanauma bay. I loved it. That was where I saw the only wild cuttlefish I've ever seen.

With the taste of saltwater in my mouth, and the sun on my back, I snorkeled around the bay looking at all the brightly colored fish as they swam hurriedly away from me. I found a humahumanukanukaapuaa (yes that's it real name. Say it in parts...huma huma nuka nuka a pu a a), and a school of blue tangs. After a while I found a cuttlefish! I knew it instantly with its ruffle like side fins, and buggy eyes. I decided to follow it... for an hour. I don't think it even knew I was there. Finally I tried to get closer to it, and it bolted (like all smart fish do), and I headed back to the shore. I came away that day with two things. A wonderful, unforgettable memory, and a back as red as a lobster... make that three things... that was the day I learned to wear waterproof sunscreen.

Sorry

Sorry.
It's a simple word, with so much meaning behind it. How many relationships have gone unhealed because of the lack of that one clump of letters? How many more were repaired when some one decided that an apology wouldn't cost them their pride? I don't think people understand the importance of "sorry".
I don't know about you, but I think we all could stand to say it more. So, suck it up, and go say "I'm sorry" to someone you've hurt. You'll never know, until you do it what that might mean to them.

What If

What if I can't pay the bills this month?
What if I get sick again?
What if I can't handle this?
What if I don't make the cut at work?
What if the breaks on the car go out again?
What if I dropped everything and just disappeared?
What if the world really does end on 12/21/12?
What if I won the lottery?
What if there really is a zombie apocalypse?

I never liked this game... keeps me awake a night... 'specially the zombies... *shrug* at least I'll be prepared for the hordes of family trying to eat my face.

Cows

When most people think of cows they think of milk, or that awful stench that comes from too many cows shoved into a transport trailer, or maybe even lush green Californian fields, the gentle beasts lowing about.

Me, I think of my father. No really. I remember him teaching me to rope cattle, and by cattle I mean a hay bale with a pair of horns tied to the top of it. I remember riding in the back of the tractor, kicking the bales off to feed the cows. I remember the cowgirl hat that I wish I still had that was many sizes too big.

How many people do you know who would admit that when they smell cows (and their.. poo) they think of their Dad?

Now you know one.

Snow

It snowed! It snowed!

Like diamonds on the grass, and crystal lace on the trees, the downy whiteness that is the harbinger of winter, true winter, has come at last.

Come play! It beckons. Come play! The snow on the ground, has turned night into day. Come play!

No.. no... I mustn't. Well... maybe for just a moment.

*Thump*
Ouch... Dammit.

Control

Father Time it seems would remind me that I'm not going to live forever. One day I'll be gone. Dust, like everyone before me. Really dwelling on it is terrifying. Better to focus on there here and now. I can't change the past, I don't know what the future holds... but this moment... I can control.

Inside

The trees! Oh God the trees!
I can hear them creaking, groaning, moaning.
Calling me with their song of wind and wood.
Beckoning outside my window with fingers like splinters.
CRACK! CRASH! BOOM!
I think I'm glad I stayed inside...

Swagger

Every woman has it. That swish. That sway. They show it in their walk, and the extra brightness in their smile.You can see it in their hips, just as they feel it. Women talk without words. More often than not you can see how they're feeling without ever hearing a word.
So to all the men out there. Listen = Look.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

I Never

I never thought I'd get this far. In life. In age. I never dreamed that I would make it past twenty five. I never imagined that I would have a daughter, and a husband. I never aspired to be the Assistant Manager of my own store. It never dawned on me, until recently that a person could be so happy, and so unsatisfied, all at the same time. I never.

The Beginning

Project 365 Day 1
Everything has a beginning.

"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth."
"Two households, both alike in dignity..."
"We the People of the United States..."
"Once upon a time..."
"This one time, at band camp..."

This is the beginning of what I hope to be an enlightening journey. I hope to share things I was too afraid to share. I dream of creating something wonderful for you to read and enjoy. I desire to paint a picture with words that pulls you into my world, and reveals the golden wonders that are here to behold.

Welcome to my Scribbled Odyssey.