Shake

Time slowed down, I jumped over over the couch, and pulled the dogs apart. They had been tearing at each over a bowl of food. My two year old daughter was only feet away from them. I can't remember the last time my hands shook so badly. It's been a half hour, and my hands shake still.

Falling

I don't know when it happened, or how exactly, but I've fallen in love. I supposed that's what this is. This floating, falling, flying sensation follows me everywhere I go. Thoughts of him sit on my forehead, and poke at me every moment. Yep. Love. Or stalker like obsession. Which ever.

Migraine

I have a migraine.
I don't get them often, rarely even, but when I do it's bad.


Tears fall down my cheeks as I struggle against the agony in my head. I have a ice pack under my neck, a pillow over my eyes, and still the pain remains. I try to remain still; every movement sends needles into my eyes and temples. My husband is sitting on the edge of the bed, absentmindedly rubbing my arm, trying to comfort me while he surfs the web on his tablet.
Another wave of pain hits, and I feel his hand gently tighten on my arm, remining me to try and keep my muscles relaxed.
"Deep breaths babe."
"Are your migraines this bad?"
Yes."
"And you get them all the time..."
"Yep."
"I'm so sorry I'm not more sympathetic when you get them..."
"Its okay, just focus on breathing for now. Kay?"
"I love you."
He turns and lifts up the pillow, giving me a kiss on the forehead. "I love you too babe. Now shush, and breathe."
I close my eyes again, and focus on taking deep breaths; all the while thanking God that I've been blessed with such a wonderful man as my husband.

Drops

It's now my day off.
I will be going to sleep.
Dreaming of rain drops.

Middle

The hardest part of any journey is the middle.
You'd think it would be the beginning. Where do I start?
The end maybe? It's over what do I do now?
No.
The hardest part is the middle, when you've already gotten past the initial takeoff and are now trying to talk yourself out of doing what ever it is you set out to do in the first place.
It's not that important. You didn't really wanna do this anyway. I know you wanna just quit. This is too hard. You'll never make it to the end.
Definitely the middle, but if you can work past all the middle stuff, and keep your eyes lifted up, and looking for the end, then maybe, just maybe you'll finish what you started.

Reps

"Lunge left."
"Lunge right."
"Lunge left."
"Lunge right."
"Alright on to a new exercise. Let's try squats. Ready? Go!"
"Down."
"Up."
"Down."
"Up. Up. You're quite finishing your rep. Try again with this next one."
"Down. Down."
"I am down you stupid fitness game!" And now I'm screaming at a video game...

Death and Dread

As children we never think that our pet will go away sometime. As children pets, like our parents, are immortal. They can do any trick, out run any critter, fetch any ball. Eventually though, they do die, and we have to face the harsh reality that is death.
I feel that it is almost impossible to explain death to a child.

"Where is (_____)?
"They died."
"When are they coming back?"
"They aren't coming back."
"Don't they want to be with me?"
"Yes sweetheart, but they can't."
"But if they want to then why don't they just come back?"
"It doesn't work that way honey."

I can honestlly say I dread having this talk with my daughter.

Noone

I met a man named Noone today. Seriously. His last name was Noone. I smirked when I saw his license, and tried not to make the obvious jokes. While ringing up his items, I ask him how often he'd heard the "Odysseus Joke"
"The Odysseus joke? What's that?" He asked with an amused look on his face.
"You know, when Odysseus fights the Cyclops, he tells him that his name is Noone." Truthfully, in the original story, Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his name is Nobody, but Noone works just as well for comedic purposes.
He laughed heartily. "No, no I don't think I have heard that one before. I'll have to remember it."

DMV

We've all been there. We've all had to experience the horror and frustration that is the DMV. That dreaded edifice of monotony. It seems to suck on our very souls, as we sit, waiting on the creaky, old, orange plastic chairs. Try as it might, the cell phone is only so interesting for so long, and while it's powers of distraction are formidable, it cannot hold back the boredom forever.
At least, that was how I remembered the DMV when I went in today to renew my licence.

I walked in the building, with every bit of paperwork I thought I might need tucked into my purse, and my phone in hand to curb the boredom. No more than five minutes later, I was half way through a level of Where's my Water and my number was called out.
What? This can't be right. I looked at the clock, it had only been a few minutes. I glanced at the number above the young lady looking around for the next person to help, and it was mine!
With the speed of an African cheetah the pretty blonde had all my info in the computer, took a new photo, and gave me my temporary paper copy (until my official license comes in the mail in approximately seven to ten business days), and sent me out the door.
I stood just out the door, green tinted temporary ID in hand, and looked around almost shell shocked.
I'm not sure what happened to the DMV, but to whom ever made the changes, can I please shake your hand?

Silly Boy

A shy little boy, about four years old walked up to my counter at work, holding his fathers hand for dear life.
"Go on." His dad prompted. "Ask her."
I smiled my most non-threatening smile. "What can I do for you honey?"
"Um... Do you.. do you have any owls around here." He said softly.
"Owls?" I grinned at him, and looked up at his dad, unsure how my answer would affect the timid little boy.
"Is he afraid of Owls?" I asked his dad quietly.
He smiled broadly. "No, he likes them."
"Well in that case--" I turned back to the boy "--We have quite a few of them around here, but they're afraid of people, so if you're very quiet, and look very carefully you might be able to see them.
The little boys eye grew wide with excitement and anticipation. "Oh! Thank you!"
"You're very welcome. Goodbye now." I giggled.
"Bye!"
I watching him walk out the door, asking his dad if he would help him look for owls on the way to the car.
Kids are silly, but at least they know what they do, and do NOT like.

My Ass

I went out side with Rex to let him do his business.
"Come one Rex, do your duty."
He just looks at me as if to say. Chill dude, all in good time.
A few minutes of watching my dog  walk in a circle sniffing the ground and I being to get impatient.
"Rex dude come on, just go already."
The tiny chihuahua glares at me.
I sigh.
I look up to see the most perfect vision of hourglass beauty that I have ever seen walking towards me, and suddenly realize that while I would like to talk to her, I'm holding a doggy doo-doo bag.
"Oh god, wait til she walks bye. Please Rex please wait til shes gone past us." I whisper to my dog pleadingly.
She's now two feet in front of me, and I smile my most charming, roguish smile. and honestly who can resist a man who has a little dog.
"You know what they say about men with little dogs. They're more secure."
At least that's what I'm told, by my female friends.
She smiles back and right then I hear Rex grunting.
Oh God no...
I look down and see my little canine grunting, and super flexing his was through the deed.
When I look back up the woman is walking away, laughing.
"Nice work Rex. Man's best friend my ass."

One Word Answers

Shoes.
On.
Off.
No.
Please.
No.
Now.
No.
Bedtime.
No.
Jammies.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Okay.
Done.
Water?
Yes.
Thanks. 
Welcome.
Jammies?
Yes.
Song?
Yes.
Hug?
Hug.
Kiss?
Kiss.
Night.
Night.

Veganites

The fire crackled with a malevolent snap, and pop, as Tristen stood before his father.
The elder beckoned him with a flick of his wrist.
"Sit my son. It's time you learn of the Canabolds."
He stepped forward, and sat cross-legged near the fire. 
"Canabolds Father? The ghost story I used to tell my younger siblings?"
"Yes boy, but they are not ghosts, but savages, barely men at all."
"They're real?"
"Oh yes. Very much so; dangerous, and deadly."
Tiny hairs on the back on his neck stood up as the boy shivered with a fear he had yet to understand.
"Who are they Father?"
"They were men once, like you and I, except they eat meat." Disgust showed plainly on the older mans face.
"Meat? What's meat?"
"Meat my son is what makes you walk upright. Meat is what allows the fawn to frolic in the meadow. Meat is what give the hare it's ability to run so quickly."
"Well, how does one eat "meat"? Surely the animals can't regrow what the Canabolds take from them."
"In order to eat the meat of an animal you have to first kill it." His father said quietly.
"Kill it?!" Tristen stood up. "Why would anyone do such a thing?! How could they?!"
"Noone truly knows the real reason why my son; I have heard many theories, and hearsay. The most common is that they like the taste."
"I.. can.. take no.. more." Tristens stomach turned; abruptly he moved away from the fire and emptied it's contents.
A few minutes later, he turned back and sat down again, determined to keep his insides where they belonged.
"Father why has no one tried to talk to them; tried to convince them that what they're doing is wrong?"
"Oh my son, many over the years, have gone in search of the Canabolds, and found them not only unresponsive to our attempts to educate them, but aggressive when we would try to convert them to our ways.
"Is nothing we can do to stop them?"
"All we can do is live our lives, and hope that through our example, they might see the error of their way."

Deal

You don't need to go on a diet. You look great!
Like you really need to lose any weight.
Yeah, like you've got sooo much to lose.


Whether or not any of these statement are true is irrelevant. I want to go on a diet. Despite the comments, and veiled criticisms, I've decided to do something positive for myself, and to be perfectly frank, I dislike having someone tell me (in a backhanded way mind you) that they think I'm making the wrong choice in dieting. Well it's my choice. I choose to do it. Society didn't trick me into thinking I'm fat. I'm not. Peers haven't jeered me into looking as myself in a negative way. I don't. I simply feel I need to make some positive changes in my life, starting with my body, and how I treat it. Period. Deal with it.

If You Know What I Mean - Part 2

I had so much fun writing those seemingly innocent phrases for yesterday's post, I thought about it all day, and thought of more!

"If you know what I mean..." - Part Deux.

What can I do for you?
How are you feeling?
I'm almost finished.
That was quite a workout.
Hand me that lotion.
I need some help.
Let's play Twister.
Rematch!
Let's reconnect.
Hole in one!

I'd like to say that I won't do any more of these, but honestly, it was just so much damned fun, I can't promise that. If I made you laugh then my mission is accomplished.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be back on the (actual) writing track.

If You Know What I Mean

The idea behind today's blog is to take a seemingly innocent phrase, and add. "If you know what I mean." on the end of it, making it more suggestive.

I'm busy.
He sure nailed that one.
I love tacos.
I had a great time.
I love sausage.
I'll work hard for you.
When can you start?
It sure is hot in here.
I need some alone time.

Iron

I can do this, it's just an iron. Just plug in the iron, set the shirt on the board and run the iron over the shirt. Simple.
Jeremy looked at the iron sitting in its cupboard with trepidation. Hand trembling he removed it, and gingerly set it on the ironing board.
Okay, plugged in and heating up. Time to lay out the shirt. 
I think the iron should be hot enough now. How do I know if it's ready? He touched the tip of his finger to the plate of the iron. OUCH! He sucked on his finger. Hot enough I guess.
Picking up the iron he held it above the shirt hesitating. Maybe I could get away with wearing it wrinkly? No. I can do this.
Steam rose up, gently caressing his face as he gently ran the iron over breast of the shirt. Hey look at that! 
Five minutes later, and a few moderately frantic calls to his mother Jeremy has a freshly pressed shirt. One look in the mirror, and he ran out the door for his interview, confidant in the knowledge that if he could iron a shirt; an activity the he previously thought he would never be able to do, that he could in fact nail the interview.

Mud Boots

I looked outside at the rain streaming down the window, and sighed. When would spring be here? I was anxious to feel the fresh grass between my toes, and watch my little girl prance about in the airy freshness that is  Spring. I felt as though I had waited a life time for a season that had only happened a year ago. It seemed silly, to miss a season, but there it was never the less.
I looked out the window, and prayed. Please God, I would like some sunshine okay? Preferably on my day off. Thanks.
It's been a week now, and it's still raining. Oh well. Mud boots!

Fleeting Moments

More Pills. Pills for the problems the first pills caused. You'd think that doctors would work on figuring out whats wrong with me, instead of throwing medication down my throat. Well that didn't work... let's try... THIS! The reality of it all is that there really nothing wrong with me, but apparently talking to someone that no one else can see make people nervous, and by nervous I mean afraid. Terrified of something they can't understand. I've never hurt anyone, I've never tried to hurt anyone, but being able to hold a conversation with an imaginary cowboy in his twenties makes the general populace think I'm dangerous. *sigh*
Ainde dled eefi dk dkelsdi kend laeffi. Iekfa sadl ke nie l.
I turned to look at my cow wrangling friend. What? No, I'm not angry at you for being here. I just... I just wish people could understand, or at least that they would leave me alone. 
Er goujd eim sjwy foneujem... J winjf ewmj jif he fww cifj rjngwdf.
I smiled. You're such a flirt... thank you, but no. I think I'll stay here. 
Ikwdn...?
I can't...
Ikwdn...?
Maybe... maybe for a little while. I smiled a him again, and closed my eyes, as I felt him walk up behind me, and his arms wrap around my chest.
Wtr jim wfgnj?
Yes. I'm ready.
He kissed me once on the back on the head, and together we fell backwards into the darkness, into oblivion. Not forever mind you, just for a little while, just to escape the world and be happy, if only for a few fleeting moments.

Snow Again

I looked outside, and sighed. Snow again? During the winter, after the long hot summer. I love seeing that first sparkling wonder that is snow. However, by the time spring rolls around I expect to see flowers pulling them selves out of the dirt, and hear the sounds or birds chirping their happy little songs, not snow.

Unforgivable

"And you hide my favorite shirt too!"
"I did not! I gave back that ugly thing weeks ago!"
"Forget it, It's not worth staying here any longer looking for it."
Andy threw his hands and gathered up the last of his things. He'd been stomping around the apartment for the last few hours collecting his belongings, and taking turns starting fights with me.
He paused in the doorway, his box tucked under one arm. "Why did it have to be my best friend? You knew it's the one thing that I just couldn't forgive... "
"Andrew I---"
"You know what, never mind. I don't want to know." Without another word he walked out of my life.

Eighteen months later.

"Ryan and I dated for a few weeks, but it never really went anywhere. I dated one other guy, but nothing ever seemed right. I couldn't get over you." I smiled at Andy over my coffee cup.
"And now? Are you over me now?" He smiled teasingly.
I set my coffee cup down. "Honestly?"
He set down his as well. "Of course."
"No. Not completely. I never will be, but after you left, and after I left Ryan, I moved on. I had to in order to survive."
"I see---"
"But. There will always be a part of me that loves you. Always." I leaned over, and kissed him on the forehead. I jumped off the counter, padding over the carpet in my bare feet.
"You're never going to give me that shirt back are you?"
I looked down at the oversize aging t-shirt, smoothing the fabric over my otherwise naked waist.
"Why would I do that?" I grinned, and ran back towards the bedroom.
"Now that---" He said as he jumped off the counter. "--- is unforgivable."

Lazy Blogger

I like this haiku.
I'm feeling lazy today.
No inspiration.

Foxy

"What are you doing?! You can't mix those two together! Do you have any idea what would happen if you got a DROP of the essence you just collected into that vial of mork's blood?!"
"I'm sorry master I didn't think---"
"That's right you didn't think. What will I have to do to teach you how important it is---" I sighed, seeing the submissive eyes in my apprentices face.
"Give me that potion, and go do something useful elsewhere. Perhaps the cook can use your assistance as I cannot."
What am I going to do with him?
I watched walked away, his metaphorical tail tucked between his legs.
Now there's a good idea.
I flicked my fingers toward his retreating form, and smiled as a beautiful foxes tail popped out of the back of his breeches.

Sit

Come, sit with me. Share in the warmth of my fire. Let me tell you a story while you warm your hands, and rest you feet. Journey with me to far off places, both Terran, and alien. Where knights search for damsels who are often in distress, and dragons really do believe that humans taste better with ketchup.

Clean

I'm realizing that I'm not really sure what the word relax means. I guess I think it means to do nothing. But doing nothing isn't relaxing for me. Knowing that I've accomplished something; cleaned the house, finished all the laundry, etc and that at the end of the day I can sit on my couch, and look around and know that there is nothing to do, is relaxing. Okay so I maybe I just can't relax until the house is clean. Well shit.

Racing

My heart races.
My head spins.
My stomach turns.
I can't think straight.
This was a bad idea.
I knew I shouldn't have had that last energy drink...

Warm Body

The fan is on high-super-ultra fast-go mode, but I'm ignoring it. The heater is on, doing it's best to heat the 1000 square foot studio, but I'm ignoring it. I've got such a feeling of contentment that the only thing on my mind is the warm body I'm laying my head on, and the blanket covering us both. There should be more days like this.

Payback

Tired. Fighting sleep. Sleep? What's that? I can sleep when I'm dead. I've got things to do, work that need doing. Sleep, sleep. NO! I needs to get up and finish.. what was I getting up for...? OH! Right, I needed to finish, but maybe if I do this first... wait what was I doing again....? I give up. Okay body, you win. The bed looks so inviting, feels so soft, and warm.
I tried to tell you that you needed to sleep more, now I will enact my revenge!
I'm wide awake now. Thinking about the day and everything that happened. Fuck. I hate you brain.
Payback is a bitch. 

Home Wrecker

"Wow look at these bananas! They're huge!"
"Which ones?" My coworker asked.
"These ones!" I held up one of the seven inch monstrosities.
She grinned at me. "Home wreckers."

Wet Peanut

I can picture it in my mind, the store I work at. The fresh wet smell still lingers though it has been over a week since they repainted the walls. There was an attempt at offsetting the bright red, by painting the opposite walls slate grey. Unfortunately the end result was more smoky bar, than welcoming convenience store. 
From behind the register I can see the coolers. Milk water, energy drinks, pop, and beer, all tucked in to their fridges at a nice crisp thirty two degrees. Assorted snacks, and household sundries are scattered through out, with an full wall devoted entirely to a variety of truck driver needs.
Over all of that hovers the smell of fryer food, a sort of wet peanut smell, which disturbingly enough tends to follow me home.

If-Than-Duh!

If --- than --- Duh!
http://www.cmmayo.com/d5mwearchives.march.html

If money grew on trees it wouldn't be so hard to come by.
If TV weren't so damned interesting, we would all be more productive.
If you could eat just one Pringles they would only sell one at a time.
If the bed stayed made, than no one ever got in it.